How to Take Feedback Without Feeling Defensive
Readtime: 4 minutes
Most of us react to feedback in the worst way possible.
We get defensive. We provide excuses.
(Even if only to ourselves.)
We do this because we feel attacked.
The most successful people handle feedback differently.
They know how to absorb it, use it, and turn it into a competitive advantage.
Today, I’ll show you how to do the same – so feedback becomes a tool, not a threat.
Let’s dive in.
Step 1: Understand Why Feedback Feels So Personal
If you’ve ever felt your heart race or stomach tighten when receiving criticism, there’s a reason.
Your brain interprets feedback as a threat to your identity – activating the same fight-or-flight response as physical danger.
But feedback is not an attack on who you are. It’s simply information about what you did.
The shift: Instead of thinking, “They’re criticising me,” reframe it as “They’re helping me improve.”
This small change makes a huge difference in how you process feedback.
Step 2: Know the Four Types of Feedback
Not all feedback is created equal.
Understanding the type of feedback you’re receiving helps you respond effectively.
1. Appreciation: Praise that reinforces positive behaviour.
Example: “You handled that client meeting brilliantly.”
How to respond: Accept it. Don’t downplay it or deflect – just say, “Thanks, I appreciate that.”
2. Factual Evaluation: Objective assessment of your performance
Example: “Your sales numbers are below target.”
How to respond: Separate yourself from the result. Ask, “What specific changes would make the biggest impact?”
3. Subjective Evaluation: Someone’s opinion or judgment about your work
Example: “I don’t think your presentation was engaging enough.”
How to respond: Recognise that opinions vary. Ask, “What would have made it more engaging for you?”
4. Advice: Advice meant to help you improve.
Example: “Your report was great, but adding more data would strengthen your argument.”
How to respond: Focus on the useful part. Ask follow-up questions to clarify how you can improve.
Step 3: Master the ‘Pause and Process’ Technique
Most people react immediately to feedback – and that’s where they go wrong.
Instant responses often come from emotion, not logic.
Instead, use the Pause and Process Technique:
Take a breath before responding.
Say: “Thanks for the feedback. I’d like to take some time to reflect on it.”
Review it later with a clear head.
This simple pause prevents defensive reactions and gives you time to focus on what’s actually useful.
Step 4: Ask for Feedback (And Actually Use It)
High performers actively seek feedback.
The best way to do this? Use the ‘What’s One Thing?’ Method.
Instead of asking vague questions like “Do you have any feedback?” (which usually gets a generic response), ask:
“What’s one thing I could do better in my next presentation?”
“What’s one change I could make to improve my leadership skills?”
This makes it easy for people to give you actionable, specific feedback.
And when you implement it? You show others that their feedback is valued – making them more likely to give you honest insights in the future.
Step 5: Reframe Feedback as a Competitive Advantage
The most successful people aren’t just good at taking feedback.
They see it as an unfair advantage.
Instead of avoiding criticism, they actively seek the tough stuff because they know that’s where the biggest growth happens.
Your mindset shift:
Average performers avoid feedback because it feels uncomfortable.
High performers chase feedback because it accelerates improvement.
When you start viewing feedback this way, everything changes.
In Summary
Congratulations! You now have a strategy to handle feedback as a high performer:
Reframe it: Feedback is a tool for growth, not an attack.
Recognise the type: Appreciation, evaluation, or advice? Respond accordingly.
Pause before reacting: Take a breath and process before responding.
Ask for feedback: Use the “What’s one thing?” method to get valuable insights.
See feedback as an advantage: The fastest way to improve is to actively seek the tough feedback others avoid.
On a Personal Note
I’ve had a lot of feedback in my career so far.
And I’ve noticed a change in how I respond to ‘developmental’ feedback in the last few years.
Most of the feedback I’ve received was from when I was working at KPMG. Mainly because I was there for 22 years. And I’ve only been running my own business for two years.
When I used to get development feedback at KPMG, I was quite defensive, maybe not outwardly, but definitely to myself. Providing excuses. Thinking that the other person didn’t understand the context for my performance, etc.
And maybe that was because I thought it was a personal attack on me.
Now, however, I love developmental feedback for my business.
Most of my business is delivering corporate workshops on high performance for professionals and leaders. I always go straight to the feedback after I’ve delivered one. The ratio of people saying nice things vs developmental things is extremely high, around 95%. Most people leave a five-star review.
And I LOVE reading through the nice comments.
But, I now take anything developmental as something I can use to improve the performance of my business. I don’t see it as an attack on me, but as a helpful comment for how I can improve the ‘product’ I am delivering.
This may be because I’ve separated myself from the ‘product’, even though I am the one delivering it. Either way, I now think about that sort of feedback differently, and definitely take my own advice above!
One Quote to Get You Going
“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”
That’s all for today.
See you in a couple of weeks,
Mostyn
P.S. Curious about my corporate workshops on high performance for professionals and leaders?
Watch the 3-minute showreel here.
As you’ve made it this far, you should probably take a look at Atomic Ambition here.